worry

Im worried. Granted I’m worried most of the time about something. But my main worry is that I’m not going to succeed in my weight loss goal/ my PCOS.

I decided to get a personal trainer, I love it! I’ve been seeing her for the past two weeks or so. I see her twice a week. It isn’t the cheapest at $70 a session, but I figure Id rather spend my money on a personal trainer than random objects (which I still do, not going to lie)

We do circuits and its lots of fun! I really enjoy that hour I’m working out and in that hour I know I’m doing something good for myself. Its when I get home I worry. When I’m home there is always food around. Since paying for my workouts I’ve had more of a conscience about needing to now eat better, I see it if I’m paying to work out I shouldn’t waist it by eating like crap all the time. Ive been really good with my health, which has made me extremely happy about what I’m doing. I even went to the gym on my own today and did 40 min of cardio! I have a hard time going to the gym by myself ( I know a lot of people do, and I’m one of them) I went and it was great! My gym just got a stair master and it whipped my ass, I was only able to do 10 min on it! I did burn 100 cal, so I figure as I continue to use it I will build up my stamina for it. I guess Im mainly worrying the last two days.

I usually get really bloated a week before my period, but this time around I didn’t ( due to me being healthy/ working out with my personal trainer). Fast forward to yesterday, I was feeling all my usual symptoms of my period starting. Just a bit funny after the removal of my fibroids ( I’ve had surgery to remove fibroids that were terrible, I can write a post about that). With my period comes a totally relief of all the bloat that has blessed me the week before and I feel great. This week, it didn’t happen. Yesterday I did not get my period. I was worried but then knew that some times my period comes on Friday (rare, my period has always come one the same day since being on the pill. Before my fibroids started acting up, even within the same hour!!) Today however I did get it. What worries me is that after my fibroid surgery its been super lite. Like one day super light. Live only needing a panty liner light. I was happy because I knew I would loose all the bloat I have gained just in the last day or two ( rare based on how I usually get my period).  No bloat was lost, no clue why. Im worried that because of this I will never be able to loose weight and ill just stay bloated forever and therefore stay at 180-183 forever!! What if my super lite period means Ill never be able to have children?!?!!?! I guess thats what I’m really worried about, not being able to have children and loose weight.

Does anyone know what happens to a woman period after fibroids are removed? Do they become lighter/ skip a period every once and a while? Really worried they will return one day. That was not a fun three months of my life.

Sorry if there are lots of spelling errors, I am dyslexic and its been a stressful day. Writing this raw not worrying (LOL) about spelling or grammar.

Being healthy is my struggle

UGHHHHHHHH, I feel like I’m loosing and gaining the same damn 5 pounds every other week. Am I over weight? Yes. If we were passing each other on the street would you say “oh man that woman is large” probably not. Im a size 14 and can squeeze into a 12 if I really tried. That is the size of most women in the world now a days right? I have no idea.

4 years ago a few of my friends and I started going to the gym regularly and I was able to loose a lot of weight. Probably between 45 and 50 lb (go me!). I don’t really know what my highest weight was but when I started weighing myself I was at 216 lb. Summer 2013 I was around 206 I think. From there I was able to get down to 170! which to me I was really happy about and was on the right track to loosing a lot more. Then, duh duh duhhhhh……. I started school, and found myself in a relation ship. Pretty much what everyone thinks will happen happened. I gained weight. BUT! I only gained about 10-13 lb, which doesn’t look like a lot to an out sider, but to me isn’t fun. Thankfully I have stayed in that 180-185 weight bracket for about 3 years or so. Which is where I’m at now and am hating!!!!!!

Im sure for a lot of people they would love to be 180-185, I know! I was one of those people myself. When I finally got down to 185 in the middle of summer 2013 I was happy and thought id be happy here if I was to be this weight for ever. Boy was I wrong. I felt more confident the less I weighed. I was able to do a lot more, and I didn’t have to worry about possible getting back in the 200’s, which is my fear now. Thats pretty much what it boils down too with me. The less I weigh obviously I feel a lot better about myself and what I’m able to do on a physician level. But I’m also less afraid that Ill go back into the person I was before weighing more than 200lb. I would go out too eat weekly and was just unhappy most of the time.

My problem now is that I am not working out on a consistent basis (although I do yoga twice a week). I want to start going to the gym also, more consistently. The gym is around the corner from work, so its not as if I have an excuse that its too far and out of the way, because it isn’t. I just need to force myself to go! When I do go, I’ve been going on the elliptical or treadmill and doing 20-30 min on there and then saying “ok, I’m done. good job me for doing something.” NOOOOOOOO!!!!! I want to be that person again who after cardio goes and does weights. Id say 2 out of the 5 times I do go to the gym Ill do weights. I want it to be 5 out of the 5 times I go to the gym I do weights. My plan I think will be go to the gym Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday I do yoga. So today is gym day. I do plan on going, I have a gym buddy and everything!

FOOD! This is probably my main problem. I LOVE FOOD! But than again who doesn’t. I find that I’m healthy during the week and then come the weekend all bets are off. I go and eat more than I know I should. my boyfriend Josh and I will go out for coffee and breakfast on Sundays and then thats all we will eat until dinner and then just eat all the things. We will also get pre-made dinners for the weekend making meaning not so healthy as I have been during the week. This is what I need to stop doing. Buying pre-made things for dinner or any meal during the weekend. Also I think I need to back off on the carbs a bit. My friend told me the reason why I’m so bloated is probably because of all the carbs I have been eating. So I’ve cut it down and I have definitely felt a difference and I won’t be bloated. Then of course comes the weekend and ill eat bread and all the carbs and boom, the dreaded bloat comes back. Also I have been known to have a few squares or chocolate before been eeekkkkk!!!!! thankfully I haven’t had chocolate in my house for around 2 weeks, not going to lie pretty proud of myself about that one.

I think thats pretty much it for me today. My struggle right now is real. Hopefully this post helps me out and I’m able to add a little self control into my life. Maybe Ill come back every few days and keep myself accountable for how healthy I’m being, and Ill tell you if I’ve had a binge day. Because lord knows I do. Im also going to a beer festival on Sunday ( Josh won tickets too it) great more carbs. But one does not say no to free beer.

Ok, now I’m going. Thanks for listening, who ever you are. Leave a message of support, hopefully ill be able to get down to 170 soon. Thats my goal, and Ill make a new one from there. Slow and steady wins the race right?

 

Welcome to my world

Hello! my name is Julia and this is where I will share all my thoughts about what its like living in my world. A world that has its ups but also has a lot of downs.

 Where to begin. Does anyone really know where to begin when telling someone about themselves? I certainly don’t. I guess Ill start with the basics.

 I live in Canada.I have just turned 30 and am still living at home with my mother. Is this a surprise to anyone? Maybe what is surprising is that my boyfriend of 3 and a half years lives with us. No, not surprising? Didn’t think so. This is what happens nowadays when you are a millennial and live in a big city I guess.

​I also have my RECE (Early Childhood Education). Do I have a full time job? scroll back up to where I live and I think you can guess that NOPE! no full time job for me. Im a supply at a childcare centre I love and am too scared to leave.

​When I’m not working I love to read. I will pretty much read anything. If you tell me enough times that you think I should read a book I probably will.

​Also I have a wonderful Learning disability (Dyslexia, had to look the spelling up of that word.)  that probably will make editing this interesting (maybe I won’t edit it! Probably should if I want people to read this though)

​I have also struggled with my weight for all of my teen years, and most of my 20’s. I never thought of myself as obese though. when I was 26 I was able to loose about 45-50 lb, which is awesome. I have only gained 10ish back. Im struggling with loosing those 10 lb and then continue to loose more.  I also have PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovarian syndrome) which for most women causes hair loss and weight gain. I thankfully don’t have to deal with that.

​I think that wraps it up about me. I really wanted to start this blog so I could talk about all 5 of these main areas of my life, plus added extras of course. Hopefully this blog helps me, and hopefully you come to terms that being who we are is ok.